Monachopsis

What do you do when you’ve felt out of place your whole life? That your brain is wired differently than everyone’s around you?

Monachopsis is the perfect word for it – the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place. For twenty-one years I have felt this way. No matter how hard I worked or applied myself I was never on the same level as the people around me. I always felt inadequate. In social situations, in school, in my family, in work – all because I couldn’t figure out why no matter what I did, I couldn’t fall onto the same pace as my counterparts.

Certain life occurrences prompted me to seek information. Scour the internet for what possibly could be happening. When younger I didn’t know much about mental health and its spectrums. For the longest time, I believed what was taught – which mostly were the most extreme cases – but never felt the need to learn more about it since there wasn’t a direct way I was affected. My parents weren’t of much help either. Being raised in times where mental health was only sought for in paramount instances didn’t prepare them to look at the signs or educate themselves in the mysteries all brains bring.

All of this started piling up as the years went by, adding weight to all the baggage I was already carrying from my past. But at least I could put a label on the latter, my brain still a cloudy jumble of symptoms unnamed. At some point, it was all bound to catch up on me. You can only run from the truth for so long before it reaches you and drowns you in all that it knows.

But these last couple of years it has been breathing down my neck, taunting me. Making me feel ostracized from my friends and family. As things got worse and I felt like everything kept getting farther from my control, I finally decided to regain some of it back. Funny enough, TikTok was one of the main reasons I decided to look for professional help.

In my For You Page I kept getting videos of ‘Signs you might have Autism’ or ‘Signs you might have ADHD’. Anxiety and depression I already knew, they had always been a topic spoken of regularly. But through hours upon hours of research, I was able to give a name to so many of the things I had been feeling and living with for such a long time.

Finally, I started taking steps to my new life.

It all starts with a diagnosis. Being able to put a stamp on what had been criticized about me for so long and being able to tell people that there is a reason for the way I am and the way I do things. This blog is for documenting that journey and helping others – even if just one person – to know they are not alone through my past experiences and the ones I’ll acquire as time goes on.

Follow along for the ride! It’s gonna be an interesting one.